Ed Hochuli

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Ed Hochuli could tear you in half.

Ed Hochuli, also known as "The Hoch" or "Hochules", is TheCrew's favorite NFL referee. He is easily recognizable due to his extremely muscular frame, unusual for a referee. Although his day job is that of a mild-mannered lawyer, he could easily best any NFL player. Hochuli lives in Tucson, Arizona, and attended to the same high school as Dave's brother.

Ed Hochuli Facts

For a while, Crew members Mike and Dave have been trying to come up with wild facts about Hochuli, similar to Chuck Norris Facts. Please critique these, modify them for added humorous effect, add new ones, and delete lame ones.

  • Ed Hochuli is the answer to "Where's the beef?"
  • Ed Hochuli's yellow flag once killed a bird.
  • Ed Hochuli is the reason John Madden won't step foot on an airplane.
  • In 1998, the NFL requested that Ed Hochuli no longer eject players from the game, after too many players were injured from bad landings in the parking lot.
  • They intend to carve Ed Hochuli's face into Mount Rushmore. And when I say "they", I mean Ed Hochuli.
  • Ed Hochuli's biceps pay property tax in New Mexico.
  • Ed Hochuli is the only NFL referee to score a safety.
  • Ed Hochuli is the only NFL referee to block a field goal attempt.
  • Ed Hochuli is the only NFL referee to win a preseason game.
  • Since 1990, the NFL has fined Ed Hochuli over $10,000 for buried footballs.
  • Most NFL players admit that the scariest part of any game is when Ed Hochuli performs the "cup check".
  • At the annual NFL referee's picnic, a fellow referee was hospitalized due to amputation after Ed Hochuli misunderstood the rules of the "three legged race".
  • Borrowing from his experience in court, Ed Hochuli invented a new NFL penalty called "contempt of Hochuli", punishable by a trip up the goal post.
  • If you see Ed Hochuli running away and screaming, don't bother keeping up with him: the Sun just exploded!
  • Ed Hochuli still laughs about that time his fellow NFL officials surprised him with three polar bears in his changing room.
  • Any game that Ed Hochuli officiates is declared a temporary no-fly zone, not for fear of terrorist attack, but for the safety of the passengers.
  • Ed Hochuli refuses to flex for the cameras at games, not because he's bashful, but because the new referee uniforms are expensive.
  • Ed Hochuli, the neat-freak he is, ruined the Leaning Tower of Pisa for future generations.
  • Ed Hochuli despises Newtonian physics, and in protest he falls faster than other objects in a vacuum.
  • When a hung jury threatened to stall a court case, attorney Ed Hochuli demanded the trial go to sudden death overtime, at which point all charges were dropped against his client.
  • Ed Hochuli is not allowed to vacation in Oregon due to their overly restrictive lumber laws.
  • Judges presiding over any of Ed Hochuli's cases are warned to reach for their gavel very slowly and deliberately, with no sudden movements.
  • A punted football once hit Ed Hochuli in the head. A year later that same football caused minor damage to the International Space Station.
  • Ed Hochuli and Chuck Norris were once at the same movie theater; The residents of Iowa are fortunate that the two did not see each other.
  • Ed Hochuli was quite embarrassed -- and offered to pay for the damages -- when he was informed that the Vikings' Metrodome does not have a retractable roof.
  • For you space tourists who can't afford the expensive Soyuz trip, Ed Hochuli will hurl you to the International Space Station for a fraction of the price. Trips to Mars are also available, but risky because it's difficult to hold your breath for five minutes.
  • Ed Hochuli compulsively worries that there might be alien life on Jupiter, and that they might be angry with him because of the Shoemaker-Levy comet.
  • Ed Hochuli and a low tide have never been seen together.
  • Before becoming an attorney and moonlighting as an NFL referee, Ed Hochuli was an actor, and played himself in "Clash of the Titans".
  • Do not Ask a Ninja what Ed Hochuli really is, he's not allowed to tell you.
  • Ed Hochuli was banned from his gym after curling the bench press bar while Scot Mendelson was using it.
  • Ed Hochuli once messed with Texas, and no one said a gosh-darned thing.
  • Brett Favre blames his Super Bowl XXXII loss on Ed Hochuli, but can't prove that those weren't natural low-magnitude earthquakes that disrupted his aim.
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